I hope mine doesn't look like that
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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