you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize
