Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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