Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Well I just put wine in my tea
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Randomize
