Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
