Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
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