alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
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