I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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