I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Randomize
