I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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