He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
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