I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
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