I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
