The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
