i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
me + whiskey = a bad person
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
