Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
