I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Randomize
