Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
