just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
