I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
soo... how was my night?
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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