well I can't set my house on fire every night
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
Randomize
