i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
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