I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Randomize
