I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
You brought string cheese to the strip club
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Randomize
