I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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