last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
This is classic penis vs brain.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Randomize
