i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Randomize
