guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Randomize
