I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
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