can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I think a kid would responsible me up
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
