you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
