Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Randomize
