The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
