Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
