she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Randomize
