She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
you inspire me to be a worse person
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
