Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
did you just send me my own nude
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
