Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
