I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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