Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Randomize
