I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Randomize
