So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Randomize
