u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
