i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
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