New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
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