at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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