Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
