just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
got a scholarship and a hot psych teacher. hello spring 2010
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
