The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
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