I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Randomize
