If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Randomize
