im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Randomize
